On Being Home...

Let me give you some scenes that have gone on since I've been home. Keep in mind, I've been home for less than twelve hours. Less. Than. Twelve. Hours.

1.
Me: "Look, the sports bra is only like $15. And it's padded."
Mom: "Are you actually going to use it?"

2. 
*Ed Sheeran's "Gimme Love" playing in the car.*
Mom: What is this crap? It sounds like the song is skipping.
Sister: Do NOT diss Ed Sheeran.
Mom: Seriously, it sounds like some tribal crap.
Sister: Do NOT diss Ed Sheeran.
Mom: -gives that look-
Me: Seriously, though, out of all the other songs she's played before, this is the one you complain about.
Mom: (mimicking the song) djsklfjdsklfjdf
Sister: I'm done with you.
Me: What do you think of "Blurred Lines"?
Mom: Never heard it. I probably wouldn't even know they're saying blurred lines.
Sister: You won't.
Mom: Yeah, this guy could be saying that for all I know.

3. 

*Discussing this father of the year*

Me: What if we're witnessing this guy trying to kill this kid right now? 

Sister: I would shit myself.

Me: Oh my gosh, is he smoking?!

Sister: Yes.

Me: Father. of. the. Year.

(We look away for a while and when we look again the door's closed.)

Me: We're did he GO?!

Sister: Don't worry, he totally walked in the pizza place with the kid.

*Clearly we've been watching too many crime shows*

4. 

Brother: So do you think its weird that this time next year, you're going to be graduated and old?

Me: Do I look mature enough to be a real person?

Brother: No, because you're ASIAN.

5. 

(While driving with my sister and I, we pass a particularly obese girl in our neighborhood)

Mom: Just think. You two could end up like that.

Sister: Holy crap, I didn't realize that was her! We're not on our way to look like that.

Mom: -Gives that look-

6. 

(On this Asian guy at her work that she's been trying to set  me up with)

Me: So whatever happened to him?

Mom: He's thirty. He said he's too old for you.

Me: You actually talked to him about me?!

Mom: Of course! He also said if you wanted to teach English there, he could help you. He said you can make major money in that.

Me: He can, really? 

Mom: Yeah, and he also asked if you actually studied at Yonsei, and I told him yes, and he said that's like Harvard level. 

Me: Yeah, I know.

Mom: He goes, "She's smart." And I was like, now would you want to date her? 

Me: Oh my gosh.

Mom: But yeah, he said he's to old. I told him he's definitely not too old.

Me: Aren't these things you tell me when they happen?

Mom: -shrugs- He does make a point to say hi to me every time I'm in now.

7. 
Dad: Will you eat pepperoni if I order half?
Me: Sure.
Mom: Pepperoni pizza's not on Jenny Craig!

Sometimes I wonder why we don't have a reality show.